The Great Equalizer
by Death By Segway Scooter
Summary: Things are going great for Blumiere and Timpani in their new home. Almost too good...


**Disclaimer:** Super Paper Mario is owned by Nintendo and Intelligent Designs. I just write about it in my spare time.

**The Great Equalizer**

"Going out for a bit?"

"Yes, it seems we need a few things. I won't be gone long."

"Okay then, I'll be right here."

Timpani gave her husband a quick parting kiss on his dark blue cheek. He returned the favor with a quick peck on her hand before he strolled off down the path leading to their new home. As soon as he cleared the trees, Blumiere opened up his jagged-edged white cape and lifted off into the sky.

It had been about a month since the Chaos Heart had been banished and all worlds were saved. Blumiere and Timpani had settled into their new home, a place where they could finally be in peace. It was a beautiful place filled with rolling hills and meadows and lush forests. The sun here didn't blind nor burn him - he never thought he would ever be this active during the daytime. The sky was always filled with fluffy clouds, but it was never completely overcast for any long period of time. The wind always seemed to be at his back, allowing him to fly for miles. It also never seemed strong enough to knock his hat off his head, no matter how fast he flew. The place was perfect - well, all except for a dense fog which seemed to roll in at random times. Oddly enough, the fog didn't seem to cut down his vision all that much. It was quite strange.

The pair had quickly found out that they weren't quite alone in this dimension, however. There was a small town just up the dirt road from their home. The town was home to the most diverse group either one of them had ever seen. Creatures from all sorts of dimensions convened here - humans, Ancients, Floro-Sapiens, Cragonians, and some winged species neither one of them recognized. Even creatures from Mario's dimension were here - they could tell by their odd rounded, curvaceous bodies. Blumiere thought he saw a few fellow Dark Tribesman lurking about there at night. He tended to avoid them, largely out of shame. Fortunately, it seemed none of them had even noticed him.

Because it was such a varied group, nobody batted an eye at the two of them being together. It fact, a few of them said they made a cute couple. Again, this place was just perfect.

Blumiere was quickly approaching the town as of that moment. That strange fog had decided to make an appearance, but it was never enough to obscure the lavish buildings down below. He lowered his altitude and came in for a landing just on the outskirts - he didn't want to risk crashing into someone or plastering himself all over the side of a building if he tried to land in the actual streets. He accidentally did that plenty of times as a youth.

As he made his way through the fog to the first row of buildings, he was greeted by a man who was on his way out. Blumiere recognized the man as Bob Bobbson, a town regular. He was probably on his way home from shopping or something like that.

"Hey there!" he called. "Nice day we're havin', huh?"

Blumiere tipped his hat to the guy. "Besides the fog? Yes, I'd say so."

"Eh, the fog doesn't bother me so much anymore...guess I'm just used to it," Bob said. "So, how's the wife?"

"Oh, she's just as lovely as ever," the dark one sighed happily.

Bob sort of smirked at Blumiere's sudden mushiness. "No problems?"

"No, none that I know of." He paused to think. "Hmm...actually, she does swear that one day she'll break my habit of sleeping on the coffee table. But other than that, everything's just fine."

"That's good to hear," Bob smiled. "It's great to see you kids get along so well!"

Blumiere chuckled. "Yes, sometimes I feel as if I've died an gone to the Overthere!"

"That's 'cause you did," Bob laughed.

That was a rather morbid joke for Bob, but Blumiere laughed anyway. "Yes, it sure feels that way," he said.

"Whaddya mean?" asked Bob.

The count didn't like the confusion in Bob's voice and on his face. "What do you mean, 'what do you mean'?"

"Whaddya mean 'whaddya mean whaddya m-'? Wow, this is confusing!" Bob replied.

"Let's...try to rephrase this, shall we?" Blumiere began while adjusting his monocle. "Why are you confused when I say I feel like my game has ended and I've gone to the Overthere?"

"'Cause you actually did, man," Bob explained.

The count raised an eye ridge. "So you're saying my game actually _has_ ended, and that I am in the Overthere right now?"

"Yup! So did mine. So did everybody else's. Well, except the Nimbis - they don't really have 'games,' I guess."

"You're...joking right?" Blumiere asked blandly. He couldn't help but feel a pit forming in his "stomach," even though he thought Bob was just kidding.

"What? No, course not," said Bob. "I don't know what happened to you, but my game over was really stupid. I was walkin' past a high rise while they were tryin' to lift a piano up to the top floor. But then the rope snapped and it landed on me. Personally, I always wanted it to be something awesome, like rescuin' hot girls from a tank of robot sharks! But...a game don't always go the way you want it to..."

Blumiere just stood there staring as he began to consider the possibility. He had to admit, if it was true, it made sense. He felt cold...colder than usual, anyway.

"You...you honestly didn't know, didja?" Bob asked, seeing the look on the count's monocled face. "Oh! Oh man, you didn't! Look, I'm REALLY sorry. I heard this happens a lot. Whatever happened to ya, it must've got you so fast you didn't even know it!"

Something fast. Fast? Blumiere was suddenly reminded of something...something he explained to Timpani about a month ago. The Dark Prognosticus said that if the Chaos Heart was banished, those associated with it or the Pure Hearts may very well disappear with them. That would have been fast...and painless. And both of them would have been none the wiser. It made sense. His mouth started to go dry.

No...this had to be some sort of drawn-out joke...it had to. Any second now Bob was going to say something along the lines of, "Just kidding! Hadja goin' there, didn't I?"

Instead, he kept it up. "If I woulda known that you didn't remember your own game over, I wouldn'tve said anything! Look, can I make it up to you in any w-?"

The last hopes of Bob's explanation being an elaborate prank was dashed when one of those winged creatures (probably an aforementioned "Nimbi") suddenly appeared behind Bob. She bopped him upside the head with one of her heart-shaped appendages shouting, "Thou great DOOFUS! Thou art NOT supposed to divulge spoilers to those ignorant of their own game endings! They are supposed to figure that out on their own!"

"OW! Hey! I said I was sorry!" Bob protested. "I didn't know that...that he didn't know! I'm never gonna hear the end of this, am I?"

Blumiere wasn't paying much attention to them. He could only stand there in silence, hiding under the wide brim of his hat, realizing how much sense Bob's explanation made. He leaned on his cane to keep himself from falling to the ground. This place was indeed perfect. Almost too perfect. The constant fog and all the fluffy clouds...yes, it sounded almost exactly like the general description of the Overthere. It made sense. It made perfect sense.

Part of him wanted to kick himself for being so surprised. He said it himself that the both of them might be disintegrated if they sealed the Chaos Heart. And even if they weren't, it didn't matter for him, anyway; he was so badly beaten up by the Four Heroes that he wouldn't have lived much longer. After all, one doesn't take repeated stomping to the skull and being set on fire by a turtle-dragon hybrid and only expect a few bruises. The Pure Hearts were partially to blame for his false hope. They had restored all the worlds and people engulfed by the Void, so he had assumed that they had restored them as well. It seems as though they hadn't. Perhaps they couldn't. Just as Bob said, games don't always go the way one wants them to.

He thought of Timpani. Did she know? Should he tell her? Maybe she knew all along, and just didn't want to "spoil the ending" for him. When he promised to take her to a place where they would finally be happy together, the afterlife was not what he had in mind. But perhaps it was fitting. Where else would a union like theirs be accepted except in death?


End file.
